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People always never ask me, how i became such a great commentator, well i think it’s hereditary as i come from a family of callers going back to the very first meeting run in Great Britain in 1643 at Newmarket when my great,great,great,great,great,great,great(ohFFS)great,great,great,great great grandmother Scamatha stood in for the usual caller, and i have a “PHOTO” to prove it, so i suppose i was destined to follow in her footsteps. I nowadays also run Commentators United National Talks School which basically teaches people how to call and to smack their lips in time, i can teach anyone to call for a price i even have two registered blind people under contract HOHOHO. Being in the know i get very close to all the action in stables, gallops, and hear tittle-tattle everywhere and of course all my reports are 100% genuine and not fabricated in anyway, also i was very very involved (NOT) with the disappearance of that great chaser Shergar when the I.R.A requested a top racing personality to deal with them, i will admit i wasn't first choice as a contact in fact i was 284th but nevertheless i was happy that i was able to seal Shergar being nearly released and make a few thousand quid out of the gig HOHOHO. I have also written several books, on all manner of racing subjects and 4 autobiographies (only 1 sold more than 31 copies the first 3 were all pulped). I am probably more well known for being a prolific guesser (tipster) and hold a world record of guessing 2,817 consecutive losers on the trot a record i am so proud of.
People ask me what do i do now that i was sacked by Channel4 and i was not in the top 22,000 candidates for the ITV Job, well due to my very close friendship with Shaky Mohammed and his brother Profit (Blue colours) i have got the gigs all over Arab land, and out of respect i use my Arab name when I’m there Scamhammed Tommo. This year i commentated (badly) non-stop on the 74.5mile Arab endurance race across the U.A.E which surprisingly was a “PHOTO” and of course my great friend Shaky Mo won (despite finishing 5th) on a horse trained by my great friend Mohammed Mohammed-Mohammed, sadly the race was marred when one of the riders was discovered to be a woman and was immediately disqualified and given 30 lashes (not eye ones) and ended getting stoned (and i don’t mean wacky backy HOHOHO). The lads also ask me to host any conferences they have, this year alone i have done one regarding Sand and its many uses which was a fantastic event, i had no idea that Sand could be that interesting to the 6 people in the crowd.Thanks to the lads this year i have my dream gig i will be commentating (badly) live on the Dakar rally non-stop for the duration of the 6,200 mile event, the lads contacts are priceless i mean at £7.21 per hour that’s some money i will pull in, so i am always busy there. It's a wonderful part of the world where men and woman are equal, and Free speech is encouraged, and plenty of wonderful bars and night clubs it's a must to visit.
Due to my fantastic knowledge of the racing industry i would like to point you towards three fantastic companies who in my opinion if we didn't have we wouldn't have an industry.
This is a fantastically run company full of fantastic people who know the racing industry inside out and have what i believe to be the greatest C.E.O in any company the wonderful, kind, knowledgeable Nick Rust. I have known Rusty/Lusty (lusty for a reason HOHOHO) since his days at Ladbrokes (gave me many a shop gig at £750 a pop) and what he does know about racing you could put on a stamp (or is that doesn’t know?). I mean look at the top talent on the board every single one of them, has paid to get in a racecourse like a normal punter, bet their last £20 on a loser, ridden loads of winners, trained horses (well 1 has), and above all owned horses, here is some of the names on the list of talent reads as follows, Atholl Duncan, Andrew Merriam, Noel Harwerth, Rupert Arnold (Champion trainer in UK 1997-2005 inclusive), Laura Whyte, and that great jockey Sir Paul Stephenson! Any company would be proud to have these people on board, and there track record of running companies is absolutely fantastic, all were shareholders in Woolworth’s, HMV, Toys R Us, and House of Fraser, not only great business people but also shrewd investors. My only beef with them i feel they don’t employ more Australians which as we all know is the home of National Hunt racing around the world, but hopefully they will take my advice and employ more than the current 29 they have now. Getting back to the big cheese Rusty when i spoke to the “Big Fella” he thought his greatest achievement was being the Non-Executive Director of York Theatre Royal, and that is some achievement i think you will agree, after all we have all wanted to do that, i would have thought starting as a cashier working his way up to MD of Ladbrokes would have been bigger still he knows best don’t you “Big Fella”, i tried to catch up with him at Cheltenham this year, however he wasn’t there apparently he was at a 4-day matinee in the York Theatre watching Fiddler on the Hoof/Roof Starring Robert Winston i missed you at Cheltenham “Big Fella” Hope to catch up soon. Finally i cannot state the tough Job all these fantastic people do and remember they earn a pittance (250k PA) for their long 8 hour days, 3 days a week, 3 hours for lunch, and some of them actually go to the races (for FREE), mind blowing work ethic keep up the great work all. Finally i will say without these knowledgeable people i think racing could not run, i think of these people like i do on course stewards but a little bit more sober.
I love this fantastic paper (until they pulled my fake adverts and that particular gravy train stopped), it is now probably up there within the top 10 (Just) racing papers in this country, and good luck to that little scotty fella in charge Tom Kerr, who took over from the ex-Barrow Boy Bruce Millington (who i am lead to believe is now a car salesman, and a part-time extra last seen dressed as a parrot in Robinson Crusoe at the York Theatre (Rusty’s mate) The paper from page to page is full of bookmaker adverts with such headlines as Back England to win against Malta 50/1 for 0.05p MAX for new sign ups ONLY, also within this fantastic paper you get, a little bit of form, beautifully crafted race-cards which over-lap sometimes onto two pages, and a thrown together scrunched up look at the 5 day dec’s runners which helps no one, but it does have that top guesser Pricewise/lies so is value, it also has Journalism that is second to none or some days just none, but my favourite parts are the Guessers (tipsters) section who display their fake un-proofed guesses, along with their made up P/L, i love my fellow scammers i mean guesses who do this, as of course everything that is printed are all real facts and figures, you know all these guessers have to charge but they don’t need your money or want it they just want to share their knowledge for free but the Racing Post insists that they charge you (bottom line for the paper) i salute every one of you, keep the gravy on the train lads HOHOHO. If like me you don’t buy the paper anymore (due to pulling my fake ads of course) you can view this wonderful, fantastic publication online some days(but be warned some days it decides not to load, or just crashes) where you can get even more bookmaking adverts and a bit of racing, and even upgrade to a membership status which gives you access to their live reporters at the course, it truly is a marvelous way to read 3 lines of nonsense written by someone obviously not there, i would ask my subscriber to follow the Racing Post as this in my humble opinion could be the leading racing newspaper by the end of 2030 you mark my words.
Without doubt this quango is the finest of them all, always quick to stop Bookmakers taking the mickey out of the punters when they use all kinds of tricks not to pay the punters up on time, the GC come down hard on any bookmaker that tries it ( and they do hourly not daily as most online bookmakers are so tight they only cry out of one eye !). The company is run by the absolutely fantastic Neil McAthur who has a huge CV of working for gambling companies and being a top punter himself , before becoming the GC general council, however after talking to him it was clear to me that he has never placed a bet or worked for any bookmaker as when asked he thought that Market Rasen was a new brand of cereal and a Super Yankee was someone called General Patton ! but he is still a fantastic person and i enjoyed the FREE lunch with him. It was very refreshing to know walking around there offices that i spoke with many people who didn't have a clue about the racing industry or gambling and most of the peoples aim was to become a racecourse steward well they seem to me to be very well qualified for that HOHOHO. So what do the GC do? i asked Sarah Gardner (Executive Director to the Chief Executive Director to the Managing Chief Executive) to explain, she said and i quote : ahem ahem we regulate commercial gambling in the UK so i ask what does that mean ? she said and i am quoting : ahem ahem Basically we rule and charge vast sums to ahem ahem and then she excused herself so there you have it folks the GC main objective is to Regulate, Rule, and charge vast sums and get paid huge sums for doing ahem ahem !!! Footnote they are a fantastic company with fantastic people though, and without them who knows what bookmakers could get away with!!.
All Material found on this site is copyrighted PMSL no it isn't it's childish made up bollocks which hopefully brings at least one smile to one person, unlike Guessers/Tipsters who bring misery most of the time to the gullible especially on Twitter