Throughout my life i have miss-called on every racecourse in the country, some i have very fond memories of and some not so, so here is my take on 10 of the courses that i have failed as a commentator. I decided to go incognito as a normal paying ( i was sponsored by Paddy Power Bookies) customer and these are my thoughts.

Aintree + Home of the Grand National  - Absolutely full of fucking scallywags, you are ripped off as soon as you get through the door, also the young ladies wear less clothes as the meeting progresses, and there accent will eventually get on your tits ! unless you’re as pissed as they are. Finally if you want a bet on the Grand National please bet before you go as the on course Bookies are notoriously shit on prices for the race. Rating 4/10

Kempton + Home of the King George and shitty night meetings watched by no one – Used to be one of my favourite race courses until it was ruined by the AW track. The night meetings there resemble going to the dogs at Wimbledon in 2016 no atmosphere, no one there, bored Tote staff, bored on course bookies and dreadful who’s turn is it to win today racing. The track is set to be bulldozed and sold for development wish they would start on the AW part first, it would be a great shame to see this course go as NH meetings are usually well attended but this is what happens when you have greedy bastards who own it !  Beer and stale pies passable Rating 7/10 Jumps ¼ /10 AW night meets 

Ascot + Beautiful Racecourse, lovely view and grandstand  - Bowler hatted dribblers everywhere you can’t go here you can’t go there you haven’t got the right attire to go there this was only at the car park ! Royal Meeting is to be avoided at all costs unless you want to witness pissed up toerags who have had their first drink fighting (mainly like 3 year olds) ! however it’s a great place if you’re a 60 old boss to take your 24 year old secretary to try and get her pissed in a feeble attempt to get your leg over another downside is its a utter nightmare trying to get a bet on when it’s full of these tossers having £1E/W a 2/5 shot !  Rating 6/10. Royal Meeting Rating 1/10.

Newmarket + Home of two racecourses, good facilities, good view – If you want to enjoy a Friday or Saturday summer evening at the races then listen to good music with happy Jolly people this is not the place to go especially because of the last part. Once again the racecourses are taken over by the wanker brigade who have no interest in races but putting all sorts up there hooters getting pissed up on 2 lager tops whilst trying to dance ( mainly bumping into people) to an X-Factor contestant who finished 8th that no one has heard of and paying a fortune to do so. Then you venture into town and about 11.00pm the place transforms into Syria, my advice watch on the Tv, avoid at all costs.     Rating 1/10

Ayr  + Beautiful Racetrack, lovely view + Grandstand  - Full of sweaties so if your English please take a translation book with you also a helpful hint that i found out that Eye is nothing to do with facial features but in fact it means Yes, so why not say bleeding yes then ! Aye. – Beer not too bad, but please do not try Haggis it will give you the shits. Rating 7/10

Newton Abbot + Lovely little racecourse Fantastic view – Not many minuses for Newton Abbot i thought the facilities were very good, my only advice if you do go there is to buy a few Wurzels records and if you can understand the songs ok then you will be ok with the locals with their which sounds like pirate accents, finally when you try the local cider make sure you’re near a toilet ! Rating 9/10

Brighton + Lovely Racetrack on the south coast, Lovely view last 5 furlongs (why don’t they chop that poxy tree down in the middle !) nice Grandstand, - Do Not under any circumstances drop anything and bend over to pick it up, this track is notorious for punters getting bummed ! also for betting purposes please note any Jockey with pink silks will get backed off the boards no matter its chances. There is a Free bus service from poufton station i mean Brighton station which i used however i charged Paddy Power for a taxi HOHOHO  Rating 8/10 

Chester + Lovely Setting and Racecourse gets absolutely rammed evening racing and may meeting – This is a beautiful racecourse nah only kidding it’s a bleeding dog track for horses, if your drawn high in a sprint you might as well stay in the stables with your horse, Friday nights are to be avoided at all costs if you like horses, however if you’re in your twenties dressed as your off to a wedding, and after ½ lager think your Tyson Fury when in fact you’re more like Billy Fury this is the place to be. Absolutely full of twats  Rating 2/10 oh and the beer wasn’t all that either !

Plumpton + Most Beautiful little race track set in the Sussex downs, great view of the course all the way round, can also get close to the action at hurdles and chase courses ( notice not many negatives here !) Entrance cheap, Race card £3 (charged paddy power £8 HOHOHO) Food not bad the chinky chef needs to have a look at his overalls though, it is a fantastic day out and i recommend it to everyone, just one negative the Blonde lager is absolute piss water mind you, you get used to it after 12 ! Rating 11/10 everyone should visit here once in their racing lifetime.

Epsom + Home of the Derby, racecourse like Brighton (but full of pikey’s), good view – This place is scam city ( that’s why i love it HOHOHO) if pickpocketing is your game this is the place to be, also if you love playing chase the ace, find the ball under the cup, buying race cards with guesses in, watered down or foul tasting lager and over-priced food, entrance, racecards where else would i recommend you going. If you want to dress up for the day in a morning suit and pretend to have money in the bank you cannot show off at a better venue. There is free entertainment available in the middle of the course where Pikey clans fight each other for fun, and where you can watch some scallywags rob the open air buses of their food and drink, and watch the useless security try and chase them, all in all it really is all the fun at the fair that’s if you want to pay £5 for a 90 year old fun fair ride powered by wind !  Rating 2/10 Derby Day ½ /10

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